Joanne
was a dog lover and pet owner who on 5th of May 2018, had to put her beloved dog down. To
process her grief, she wrote a heartbreaking letter from the point of view of her
dog Koyuki, on the last day of her life.
Koyuki
was a fawn/white Pembroke Welsh Corgi born on December 19th, 2005. She lived
with Joanne and her husband since she was 12 weeks old and she never left her side. Koyuki was
even in the bathroom with Joanne when she showered. But after Koyuki got cancer
and eventually her kidney failed her, Joanne decided “to give her the ultimate
help” and let her go without agony.
IN HER OWN WORDS
Yesterday
was weird… “Yesterday was weird. I couldn’t get myself out of bed. The woman I
live with lifted me up. I tried to get my legs under me, but they wouldn’t
cooperate. She said, “Don’t worry, I gotcha babe,” carried me to the kitchen,
and out of the bedroom door. That was so nice of her. I needed to pee so badly,
I just had to go right there where she put me down.
Normally
I wouldn’t, but we both decided to make an exception to the rule. I started standing
on the potty tray where all the dogs like me go to pee. I felt my paws dragging
on the ground. “How strange,” I thought. Then suddenly, I just had to go,
really badly. Outside of the potty tray.
Normally,
I wouldn’t do that. It’s against the rules. My mom, she cleaned up the mess. She’s
good at that. I felt embarrassed, looked at her, and she said, “Want to keep peeing,
KoKo?” I did, but it was surprisingly tough. By the time I decided I can’t pee,
my head was spinning. I tried to stand up but I failed. I couldn’t figure out
what was going on. She reached down again, and ran her hands over me. That felt
good. She picked me up, and carried me to my pillowy soft toweled bed.
I
was still confused, and my head was light, but I was glad not to have to walk
all the way back. It suddenly seemed like an impossible distance. I was so glad
to lay down on my bed. My mom petted me, saying, “I gotcha covered, KoKo. I
gotcha.” I love the way that makes me feel. I know she does. She makes
everything better. She felt my paws, and pulled up my diapers. She said, “Oh babe,
are you cold?” I was. My face was cold, my paws were cold. She texted a few
people, and came back to pet me. A few minutes later, she played my favorite
piano music. Then she lied down beside me, and put a blanket over me, and wow…
that felt good.
I
relaxed, and she continue petted me, but started to choke back tears. I never
want her to cry, it breaks my heart. It’s my job to make her feel better, and I
was just a little tired, and cold. I drifted in and out of sleep, and she was
always there, making sure I was okay, and never stopped whispering to me softly.
Throughout
the day, my mom made some phone calls, and spent a whole lot of time with me,
like every second. I heard her say, “10 am tomorrow… ok… yes… I’ll tell you if
anything changes. Thank you Dr. Yasmin.” She called someone else, and said,
“I’m sorry dear, how early can you leave the office?” Then as I was drifting
off to sleep, I think I heard her cry a little.
In
the evening, my dad, my favorite person came home. They were both so loving. I
licked their tears away when they would get close enough to my face. They
whispered sweet things in my ear, and told me I was a good girl. Later in the
evening, I felt well even worse, drifting enough to open my eyes to see who was
coming towards me.
It
was more exhausting than I’d remembered it being, but I loved seeing my mom. I
heard her say something like, “That’s the first time she’s trying to get up
today.” They seemed glad that I was trying to get out of bed. I was too, but
wow… after the excitement wore off, it was so exhausting to move. My mom turned
me every so often and that felt good as I couldn’t see anything except the wall
when Dad turned my body last. I looked at my mom, and she looked at me. She
said, “Don’t worry, I gotcha ok?” and carried me up. Then it got even better!
Instead of sleeping in my bed, she hold me in her arms for a long time,
massaging my head, my ears, my thighs and humming my favorite Japanese tune,
that she used to do when we go for long walks. I snuggled in her arms and
buried my nose in her elbows, and it felt so good to be that close to her. I
thought, “This is where I belong. I will never leave her side.” I didn’t feel
very well though, and it was hard to breathe sometimes. It seems like it
started a few months ago before we changed to a different climate. It felt
different, it felt colder in the air and not hot like before the cold. I don’t know what happened, but I think I
stopped breathing. I could hear my mom calling my name. I couldn’t move a
muscle. She lifted my head, and looked into my eyes. I could see her right
there, but couldn’t lick her face. She said, “小雪ちゃん，ミッテ!”I couldn’t respond. She
looked at me, and said, “Don’t worry KoKo, its ok, Mummy is here. I gotcha
covered.” I started to spin into darkness, but then my lungs took in a deep
breath, and I could see again.
This
morning, I heard my mom get up and take a shower. She came back in the room,
and smelled so nice. She helped me get up, but this time, I couldn’t do it on
my own at all.
Pretty
soon after that, Dad woke up. But mom, she was all stuffed nose and watery eyes,
and I leaned on her. I heard them talk. Mom looked at my gums, and felt my
paws. I heard mom say, “she’s definitely in that window. She can’t even retract her tongue at all!”
she pointed at my face, “This should be pink. It’s almost white, and verging
toward yellow.” My dad went inside to take something. When he came back out, I
heard my mom say, “I don’t want to wait till she’s in absolute agony gasping
for air.” Truth be told, I was feeling pretty badly, I couldn’t stand up,
couldn’t walk and all my bodily function feels like a heavy towel draping on
the floor. It seemed like my whole head was cold, my paws were freezing, and my
back legs weren’t working right.
All
this time, she has me in her arms from our home to the car to the vet. The doctor lady said, “I’ll just put this
into her muscle. It’s a sedative. Then I’ll come back over here, and you can
just love on her till she’s asleep.” My mom kissed my face, and looked in my
eyes. She was trying not to cry. Doctor lady gave me a shot of something in the
forearm. I just looked at my mom. She is so awesome. I will always be right by
her side. She and Dad petted me, and said the nicest things – what a good dog I
am, what a good job I’ve done, how thankful they are to have me in their lives.
After
a while, my mind started buzzing. FOCUS! I looked back at my mom. I love her so
much. I drifted again. FOCUS! I can see my mom. I love her so much. I will
always be right by her side. She knows that. Am I sleepy? FOCUS! I’ll always
look at her with my whole heart… Doctor lady said, “She must have an incredible
will to stay with you. She is really powering through. That’s impressive.” My mom
choked back tears and said, “I know. She lives for me. She is the most devoted
soul I’ve ever met…” We put our heads together, and I refused to close my eyes.
I felt good. I can’t really describe it. We looked at each other a long time. I
just felt like riding that buzz, but maybe sleeping was better. That felt
gooooooood.
I
felt her and Dad petting me, and heard them talking to me. They love me so
much. How lucky am I? Then I felt thousand times of petting, scratching my
ears, and that spot under my ear that makes my leg move. With mom petting me,
the doctor lady put another needle in my leg, but this time, as the fluid went
in, my legs were healed! My knees were perfect! And as I felt it move through
my body, my cancer disappeared! And then my kidneys felt better! And finally,
even my heart was whole, and healthy! I felt like I had sprung away from all of
my sickness.
Amazing!
I saw my mom, and Dad. It seemed like… I don’t know. It kind of looked like me,
but the way I looked when I was feeling really sick, or exhausted. The face was
blurred out, so I couldn’t really tell, but that poor dog looked like she had
been suffering. I could tell my mom was both relieved and very, very sad. I
love her so much. I looked at that me-shaped shell, and I looked at her… I
think she was sad about that shell. I jumped around the room, like a clown, but
it seemed like they wanted to be somber, and focus on whatever that thing was
they were petting and kissing. But my mom was definitely sad and drowning in
tears and howls that I have never heard before. I leaned on her, like I’ve done
a million times before, but it wasn’t quite the same. It felt like her body was
a cloud and I passed right through her. So I walked up next to her, sat like a
good girl, and my heart whispered to her, “Don’t worry, mom. I gotcha covered.”
I will never leave her side. She knows that.”
